It was not until seven am this morning that I realized thinking about how lame I am for neglecting my brand new blog is NOT doing me any good. So instead of feeling like a giant tool for once again spending way too much time in Poor Graceland I've decided to do something about it just start writing.
In the past there has more often than not been inspiration behind each blog I've posted, usually it's to get a laugh or two, but it's hard to crack jokes right now. Don't get me wrong, life is wonderful. The worst day clean is better than the best day high, BUT with sobriety comes confusion.
There are choices to be made and decisions to be followed through on that I can't even start to list them all let alone prioritize them. Often it feels like there are so many things to think about, but all I can hear in my head are the words "too much" "too much"...... that right there....the it's too much's and the taking up residence in Poor Graceland is exactly what will get me in trouble. It's that train of thought that will lead me down dark roads where suddenly life is "happening" to me and I am not at all participating in it because it got too hard.
I refuse to go back to the life is happening to me thought cycle. I want to live my life. Despite my best efforts to ruin it, I've actually created a wonderful existence. Being aware and checked into your life even on the hardest, darkest, most helpless feeling days is what life is about. Life will suck time and time again, but it's rocks pretty hard a majority of the time and those moments are the ones will get me through the hard days.
I can't believe how unaware I was for all of my 20's that I was directly contributing to the negativity in my life even if the contribution came from ignoring something. I was living a complex, complicated, anxiety ridden life and blaming everyone and everything around me except for myself.
Opening my eyes and being aware of my actions has been so much more rewarding than anything else. Awareness has taught me that I can live through anything. Taking one moment at a time has saved my life daily. Recognizing the role I play in my happiness has given me back control of my life.
Mindfulness is something that doesn't come naturally to me, but it's coming a lot easier these days!!!
-G
P.S. Day 20!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Friday October 16th 11:14am
California is wonderful.... for the most part.
I really feel at home here. I know in my heart I made the right choice. It's hard as hell being home sick and missing out some really major things if the lives of the people I love, but this is what I need to be doing.
I have created some regularity in my life for the first time in almost a year. I have been in bed before midnight every night for over a week and finally done over eating.
I guess now is as good of a time as any to talk about why I'm in this transition period. Now that I'm confident I've landed on my feet and that changing my life is the best things I've ever done for myself, I can start to talk about the ugly dark road I took to turn my life upside down.
My deconstruction took place over the course of ten months and was sadly fueled by an monster of a methamphetamine addiction. I often reference Thanksgiving 09 as the day I started using Meth, but to be quite honest after I smoked it that first time I don't remember the next couple weeks.
Meth moved into my mind and my body and polluted my life to the point of it being unrecognizable within the first two months of using it.
It's important for me to mention here that the reason I picked up meth was because I was kicking a serious opiate withdrawal. I was sick as fuck coming off pills and meth took all that away. Not only did it take it all away. It felt fucking wonderful..... seriously, wonderful!!!! I hate even typing those words because of the lives the drug has taken, the souls that have been robbed and the innocent took a beating because of that fucking drug, but it's true.... meth makes you feel wonderful.
So where were we????? The point of this entry??? Oh yeah, I'm doing a so much better now that I've stopped punishing myself and gave myself a break for once in my life taking a chance and moving my ass to California.
Today, not a month since the last time I used, I'm actually happy. I find myself smiling constantly, laughing really big deep belly laughs.... the kind my family knows me for. I'm going to a job interview at two today, ME?!?! A job interview?!!? Oh and here is the best part.... this is thrilling....I'm going to my fifth NA meeting in a row at the same location and making it my home group today. I've gone to 10 since I've been in California. I have two girlfriends who I've went out with twice and met some wonderful people. I know that anywhere in the world I can walk into a NA meeting and be welcome. That, those rooms... as cheesy as this sounds, that's what will fill this void that I've been trying to fill my entire life.
I suppose over the course of this blog all of the blanks will be filled in and questions answered, not just for a reader, but for me as well.
This was not easy to write. My addiction is a huge part of my life and it's time for me to own it and start taking some pride in the right choices I'm making and just be done, fucking done with punishing myself. It's the only way I'll make it out alive.
I really feel at home here. I know in my heart I made the right choice. It's hard as hell being home sick and missing out some really major things if the lives of the people I love, but this is what I need to be doing.
I have created some regularity in my life for the first time in almost a year. I have been in bed before midnight every night for over a week and finally done over eating.
I guess now is as good of a time as any to talk about why I'm in this transition period. Now that I'm confident I've landed on my feet and that changing my life is the best things I've ever done for myself, I can start to talk about the ugly dark road I took to turn my life upside down.
My deconstruction took place over the course of ten months and was sadly fueled by an monster of a methamphetamine addiction. I often reference Thanksgiving 09 as the day I started using Meth, but to be quite honest after I smoked it that first time I don't remember the next couple weeks.
Meth moved into my mind and my body and polluted my life to the point of it being unrecognizable within the first two months of using it.
It's important for me to mention here that the reason I picked up meth was because I was kicking a serious opiate withdrawal. I was sick as fuck coming off pills and meth took all that away. Not only did it take it all away. It felt fucking wonderful..... seriously, wonderful!!!! I hate even typing those words because of the lives the drug has taken, the souls that have been robbed and the innocent took a beating because of that fucking drug, but it's true.... meth makes you feel wonderful.
So where were we????? The point of this entry??? Oh yeah, I'm doing a so much better now that I've stopped punishing myself and gave myself a break for once in my life taking a chance and moving my ass to California.
Today, not a month since the last time I used, I'm actually happy. I find myself smiling constantly, laughing really big deep belly laughs.... the kind my family knows me for. I'm going to a job interview at two today, ME?!?! A job interview?!!? Oh and here is the best part.... this is thrilling....I'm going to my fifth NA meeting in a row at the same location and making it my home group today. I've gone to 10 since I've been in California. I have two girlfriends who I've went out with twice and met some wonderful people. I know that anywhere in the world I can walk into a NA meeting and be welcome. That, those rooms... as cheesy as this sounds, that's what will fill this void that I've been trying to fill my entire life.
I suppose over the course of this blog all of the blanks will be filled in and questions answered, not just for a reader, but for me as well.
This was not easy to write. My addiction is a huge part of my life and it's time for me to own it and start taking some pride in the right choices I'm making and just be done, fucking done with punishing myself. It's the only way I'll make it out alive.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday October 9th 2009 - 8:00pm
It's strange, I really thought I would feel different now that I'm Californian. I figured I would at least feel more itchy or unnerved, but nothin'...I don't feel a bit different. In fact I'm quite relaxed (not at all like myself) and feeling rather at home here, which is great!
We arrived in Santa Rosa around sunset yesterday and have officially begun decompression phase one, a.k.a. operation "Chill Out".
The boys, Uriah and Rick, were out the door bright and early leaving me to spoil myself with fancy pants indoor plumbing scrubbing every inch of my body for what felt like the first time in weeks after two back to back basically-camping-not-indoor situations lasting almost two weeks (confused?, Me too!) before landing in California.
While they were out doing whatever it is men do at 9am on a Friday I took it upon myself to explore my new turf. I am pleased, no scratch that, I'm fucking thrilled to report that Santa Rosa is layed out exactly like Eugene.
No one, not one single person who knows me will believe this, but it turns out I'm a rock star navigator now. It's been just over twenty four hours and I have zipped all over this town and back like I own the joint. I found three second hand shops that were open, two to check out tomorrow when they re-open, several yard sales and the what will now be known as the mother land, "Hot Couture" vintage botique. I informed the not-nearly-as-funny-as-I-am clerks that I officially declare myself creepy neighborhood girl who will come in, try everything on and admire myself in the mirror until I'm asked to leave. The vintage dresses I would sell in Eugene for $15 sell here for between $80-100 and up.
This shop is one of two, did you hear me, TWO vintage shops in Downtown Santa Rosa (thats it!) and they resell dresses for over one hundred dollars. If you can't put two and two together..... let me spell it out for you. I plan on owning a shop in Downtown Santa Rosa within the next two years. It's an un-tapped, high demand market, up and coming artsy downtown neighborhood with a built in demographic perfect for vintage resale.
Welcome to Santa Rosa, Grace!!!
P.S. I made Uriah stop to take a picture of me with Snoopy (there are Peanuts characters all over downtown Santa Rosa). It's awesome, Snoopy looks like he's getting a little grabby, but I also look like I enjoy it! I'll post it as soon as I find the cord to take it off my camera.
We arrived in Santa Rosa around sunset yesterday and have officially begun decompression phase one, a.k.a. operation "Chill Out".
The boys, Uriah and Rick, were out the door bright and early leaving me to spoil myself with fancy pants indoor plumbing scrubbing every inch of my body for what felt like the first time in weeks after two back to back basically-camping-not-indoor situations lasting almost two weeks (confused?, Me too!) before landing in California.
While they were out doing whatever it is men do at 9am on a Friday I took it upon myself to explore my new turf. I am pleased, no scratch that, I'm fucking thrilled to report that Santa Rosa is layed out exactly like Eugene.
No one, not one single person who knows me will believe this, but it turns out I'm a rock star navigator now. It's been just over twenty four hours and I have zipped all over this town and back like I own the joint. I found three second hand shops that were open, two to check out tomorrow when they re-open, several yard sales and the what will now be known as the mother land, "Hot Couture" vintage botique. I informed the not-nearly-as-funny-as-I-am clerks that I officially declare myself creepy neighborhood girl who will come in, try everything on and admire myself in the mirror until I'm asked to leave. The vintage dresses I would sell in Eugene for $15 sell here for between $80-100 and up.
This shop is one of two, did you hear me, TWO vintage shops in Downtown Santa Rosa (thats it!) and they resell dresses for over one hundred dollars. If you can't put two and two together..... let me spell it out for you. I plan on owning a shop in Downtown Santa Rosa within the next two years. It's an un-tapped, high demand market, up and coming artsy downtown neighborhood with a built in demographic perfect for vintage resale.
Welcome to Santa Rosa, Grace!!!
P.S. I made Uriah stop to take a picture of me with Snoopy (there are Peanuts characters all over downtown Santa Rosa). It's awesome, Snoopy looks like he's getting a little grabby, but I also look like I enjoy it! I'll post it as soon as I find the cord to take it off my camera.
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