It was not until seven am this morning that I realized thinking about how lame I am for neglecting my brand new blog is NOT doing me any good. So instead of feeling like a giant tool for once again spending way too much time in Poor Graceland I've decided to do something about it just start writing.
In the past there has more often than not been inspiration behind each blog I've posted, usually it's to get a laugh or two, but it's hard to crack jokes right now. Don't get me wrong, life is wonderful. The worst day clean is better than the best day high, BUT with sobriety comes confusion.
There are choices to be made and decisions to be followed through on that I can't even start to list them all let alone prioritize them. Often it feels like there are so many things to think about, but all I can hear in my head are the words "too much" "too much"...... that right there....the it's too much's and the taking up residence in Poor Graceland is exactly what will get me in trouble. It's that train of thought that will lead me down dark roads where suddenly life is "happening" to me and I am not at all participating in it because it got too hard.
I refuse to go back to the life is happening to me thought cycle. I want to live my life. Despite my best efforts to ruin it, I've actually created a wonderful existence. Being aware and checked into your life even on the hardest, darkest, most helpless feeling days is what life is about. Life will suck time and time again, but it's rocks pretty hard a majority of the time and those moments are the ones will get me through the hard days.
I can't believe how unaware I was for all of my 20's that I was directly contributing to the negativity in my life even if the contribution came from ignoring something. I was living a complex, complicated, anxiety ridden life and blaming everyone and everything around me except for myself.
Opening my eyes and being aware of my actions has been so much more rewarding than anything else. Awareness has taught me that I can live through anything. Taking one moment at a time has saved my life daily. Recognizing the role I play in my happiness has given me back control of my life.
Mindfulness is something that doesn't come naturally to me, but it's coming a lot easier these days!!!
-G
P.S. Day 20!
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